Kindness

Kindness

Allow me first this disclaimer: This article is not intended for those in abusive relationships, physical or emotional. No one should be expected to remain in a relationship that demeans him or her in such a way.

That being said, many relationships would benefit from kindness. Having worked in various office settings and attended numerous social engagements, I have noticed a truly amazing phenomenon: It seems to be socially acceptable to put down those we are supposed to love.

This is particularly prevalent when same gender groups gather. How often have you been involved in a discussion that began with one person saying something even slightly derogatory about their spouse/significant other? Before long, it becomes a "can you top this" session of increasingly mean spirited put-downs. There is laughter all around as each member tells of a new and more demeaning aspect of his or her partner than the last.

Now I do not claim to be an authority or have a degree in psychology. I am merely an observer of human nature. Nevertheless, it seems that many of our relationships would benefit from simple kindness and supportiveness, especially in public.

Think about a relationship you have that is less than ideal. How many times have you "dissed" that other person? Remember that "dis" is slang for "disrespect." How much more disrespectful can you be than to air your partner's faults to your peers at work or in social settings?

I have met the disrespected partners and wondered why the person was so dissatisfied with them. They seemed like fine people. Sure they are flawed, as all humans are. However, they have many fine qualities as well.

Okay, okay, so perhaps there is a little "Pollyanna" in my philosophy. And perhaps our shared misery serves to bring us in harmony with the human race. But which would you rather have: harmony with strangers or the person you have chosen to share your life with?

Look around you and you will see examples of this phenomenon. A spouse speaks to a partner with disrespect in front of their child who, in turn, learns to speak to that parent with disrespect. It is an endless cycle. Alternatively, when parents show respect to one another, it is more likely that the children will show respect to both parents.

I admit that I have not always subscribed to this philosophy. There was a time when I would openly discus my husband's flaws, oftentimes inflating them, in order to feel a part of the group. I began to feel increasingly resentful and dissatisfied with my marriage. I thought, "If only Phil would be more like" My dissatisfaction began to draw me further and further away from my husband emotionally.

Did I have an "epiphany" that changed my attitude? Did my husband magically change into the person to whom I wanted to be married? Not exactly. What did happen was the worst and best experience I have gone through in my life. I sunk into a severe depression. It was not sudden, nor was it the first time I had visited that dark land. However, it was the lowest I had ever been. I have always been able to work during these bouts. In fact, work seemed to keep me from falling deeper.

Not this time. I spent three days unable to do anything but cry and there was no reason for it. I could not go to work, I could not leave the house, I couldn't do anything. My sweet husband was determined to get me help. He took time off work and searched for a psychiatrist who could help me. Unfortunately, it seemed there was some sort of psychiatrist convention in town and no one was available until several days or weeks from then. He finally took me to a hospital crisis center. I was afraid that they would "lock me up" but he promised he would not let that happen. I was not suicidal, but I did not want to live with such sadness anymore. They gave me a prescription for antidepressants, which, while not working overnight, seemed to give me hope, which was sorely lacking at the time.

To make a long story shorter, my sweet husband made sure I got the help I needed and went to the sessions with the psychiatrist with me. We found a caring, older doctor who realized from my history, that I indeed had a brain chemical imbalance, which a certain medication was able to address.

That is when I had a slow epiphany. This wonderful man was willing to do whatever it took to help me. He stood by me in my darkest hours. He was my strength and my will to live. He got down in the pit and walked out of it with me. As I said, it was the worst and the best thing to happen in my life. I gained a newfound respect and deeper love for my husband.

I have read and heard that love is a choice. It is also an action as well as an emotion. And we can act very un-loving toward our partners.

"But s/he deserves it!" one will say. "Do you have any idea what s/he does? How can I be loving until s/he changes?"

Let's face it: we can all be unlovable at times. Was I lovable while I was down in the pit of depression? Absolutely not. However, that did not make any difference to my sweet husband. He got right down into my pit and helped me out of it. Never once did he say, "I don't deserve this," or "This isn't why I married you." No, he just loved me through it all. Although, as a parent, I am familiar with giving unconditional love, I never really felt I was on the receiving end of it before.

I began praising my husband out of gratefulness, at first. I was grateful that he stood by me through this trial. I was grateful that he helped me and got help for me.

Then a curious thing happened. The more I praised my husband for all his fine qualities, the more in love I became with him. The more I concentrated on the good things, the fewer bad things I could see. We all have human faults and failings, but no one will ever again hear anything negative about Phil from me. In fact, many people think my husband must be the most wonderful human being on earth, and I am not about to disabuse them of that image.

I shared this philosophy with a friend I will call "Gina." She had gone through a terrible time in her marriage when her husband had an affair. For the sake of their children, she decided to stay with him after he promised it would never happen again. However, she did not trust him and would hold back affection from him. I do not mean sex here; I mean being caring and affectionate with him.

While she did not share all the details with others, only confiding in me as a friend, she did have a negative attitude toward him. After hearing and seeing how she was with him and hearing her complaints and discussions about him, I had a very frank conversation with her. I told her that, as a deeply religious person, she had a definite Biblical case for divorce: adultery. She needed to take the "Ann Landers test" and decide whether she would be better off with or without him. If she decided she was better off with him, she needed to truly forgive him and begin to concentrate on his good attributes.

In this day and age, even one instance of adultery can be life threatening to the unaware spouse. I do not condone cheating, nor would I advise anyone married to a habitual adulterer, to stick with the marriage. However, if a person chooses to stay with a partner who strayed once and was truly remorseful, it can work out.

"The truth," I told her, "is that you cannot change anyone but yourself. You have to decide to love him again, and deciding such, you have to act as if you love him. Eventually it will cease being an act."

I believe she was quite skeptical at first, however, she decided to try it. She acknowledged that she was not happy with their relationship, and wanted it to change. She began slowly responding to him with affection and caring. The more she did so, the easier and more natural it became. Before long, she was exclaiming about how much he had changed and how he was spending more of his free time with her and the children. She was actually the one who had changed first, as she had become a more pleasant, less critical person to be around.

This philosophy can be carried into any relationship with friends, children and even business associates. How much harder would your employees work if they were praised for their efforts and accomplishments, both personally and to others in your workplace? Oftentimes, being praised encourages others to want to live up to your image of them.

The next time you are in the "can you top this" kind of conversation, try giving your partner a "pat on the back." See how quickly the tone of the discussion changes and others look at you, and more significantly your partner, differently. What is even more beneficial will be the impact on your relationships.

Wouldn't it be nice to sit around and try to top each other with how wonderful your partner is?